Defining Furniture

For thousands of years, the great philosophers of all of humanity had been answering our greatest questions and conflicts. But the Greeks had a problem. They had no more questions to answer. The meaning of life (42), the role of humans (to be stupid), whatever love is (Baby don’t hurt me), if british food sucks (yes), and even the seemingly-impossible “cats or dogs?” (cats, maybe. nevermind. no not this again...).

But there was still one question to be asked. The question that nobody dared to answer before.

Part 1. What is Furniture?

They started out simple.

Stuff you sit on?: No, what about tables?
Stuff in your house?: My cat is in my house, is he furniture?
Nonliving objects in a building? (because you’re pedantic): So a pencil in an office is furniture?

Hmm...

So we can’t define furniture by size, because you can have big or small furniture.

And we can’t define furniture by purpose, because each piece of furniture can do a different thing.

Furniture can be in any kind of buildings, we can’t define it by location.

It can come in virtually limitless physical forms, and can be made in millions of different ways.

Part 2. Furniture Wars

As soon as this question spread around, it was now on the mind of every citizen of Greece. Socrates, Aristotle, and all the greats were puzzled. In a futile attempt to be the Hero Who Defined Furniture, they made ludicrous arguments, often with pedantic claims, the like of declaring that toasters were furniture, and you are just uneducated and unenlightened. Or maybe the whole world is a piece of furniture, and everything is a form of furniture. This was Socrate’s Furnitureism theory.

Humans?: Furniture with consciousness.
Bananas?: Yellow eating furniture.
Houses?: Furniture container furniture.
Cars?: Vroom vroom furniture.
iPhone 6?: Tap Tap Scroll Scroll Steve Jobs Internet 6 Furniture.
Cats?: Awesome fluffy moving furniture.

And so on...

Now of course, any logical thinker would immediately recognize the insanity of this theory. Socrates was just a greedy guy who wanted to be first but never really figured it out. But who said that people are logical thinkers? And so, the people of Greece took it to their heart, that everything in the universe was a piece of furniture.

Part 3. Bonados

But then, after the Dark Age of Furniture, a wise young thinker, a Bonadossian, figured it out. Furniture is bonados. Specifically, furniture is a subset of bonados that has bonadossing bonadosser Furniture bonados. And then the world was saved. The people cried tears of joy for the Great Bonadossian of Furniture, who had saved them and finally discovered the true meaning of furniture.

and they all lived happily ever after.